Blog: Opening up the conversation - how to talk to your partner about what you like and want to try
Women With Vibrators, you like doing new things, don't you? That's what we thought! The bedroom is just a starting point for sexual and physical intimacy. But let's say you want to try something new and experimental with your partner. Fantastic, but how do you open up that conversation? Learning how to talk to your partner about what you'd like and what you want in the bedroom may feel nerve-wracking. But it really doesn't have to be! If you're in a high-quality relationship, your partner will genuinely care about your pleasure potential and want to help you reach it.
In healthy, high-quality relationships, communication is open and honest. But building that style of communication takes time and effort. It has to be built on a platform of authenticity and mutual safety. You won't be judged, and neither will your partner. So let's dive in and help you start that honest conversation today!
Opening up to experimentation
Sexual experimentation is when you want to explore and try new sexual things. It may be alone during your solo-sex sessions, or it could be with a partner. If you want to share that experience with someone, you must be mindful of their wants, needs, and boundaries.
Sexual experimentation is a broad canvas that stretches only as far as your imagination. While this likely sounds daunting, it's easy to find out more about your sexual self by doing a little experimentation.
If you want to start opening up your sexual toy box and trying new things, the most accessible place to get started would be with sex accessories. Like adding a vibrator into your sexy sessions!
We suggest starting with a wand-style vibrator or any other classic style.
A wand will help you experience clitoral orgasms during penetrative sex. Additionally, it'll naturally open up your experimentation selection panel in your brain.
Why stop at a wand?
A few other things you could try to help expand your sexual repertoire are:
- Reading steamy romance novels
- Watching feminist porn
- Being mindful during pleasure mapping exercises
- Paying close attention to the themes in your sexual fantasies
There are worlds to explore far beyond your imagination. However, it's often best to start there. Otherwise, you'll be overwhelmed by the options available to you.
When you open up about sexual experimentation in your relationship, things may feel awkward. First, there will likely be a lot of giggles and thoughts of "Am I doing this right?" But don't worry; there's no wrong way to experiment. Really, only two major things could go wrong here. First, you stop prioritising the safety and well-being of yourself or your partner. Or that you forget to communicate during this gorgeous act of physical and experiential intimacy!
Why is communication important?
Communication is the basis of all healthy and well-rounded relationships. Without communication, there's no opportunity for honesty. Without room for honesty, there's no room for growth. And that's what relationships are all about, right?
Communication is the verbal lubrication that a relationship needs to thrive. By being honest in your communication and mindful of your chosen words, you can develop closer and more intimate energy with your partner.
However, being mindful is critical here. Choosing the right time and place to discuss experimenting sexually in your relationship will be considerate and help you reach your desired outcome.
There are a few things to bear in mind when you want to discuss sexual experimentation, such as:
Keep the conversation out of the bedroom
Yes, it's tempting to discuss sexual experimentation when you're basking in the post-O glow. Still, the bedroom is a sacred space for intimacy and sex. That should pretty much be the limit. Otherwise, your mental association with the room can get out of whack.
So think of other places to start the conversation, such as sitting on the couch, watching something steamy. Or perhaps while you're out on a date at a loud and busy restaurant as a medium for some sexual excitement. Just consider the level of privacy you and your partner need to feel safe.
Be considerate about the timing
Do you want to talk about sexually creative things after a long workday? Probably not. In fact, you probably don't want to speak at all. Finding the "perfect" time won't happen, but you can create a specified time to discuss matters.
Choosing a date and time when you have some dedicated personal time to start that conversation is best.
It's also important to remember that you've been having a one-sided conversation with yourself about this. Your partner can't read your mind. So, when you bring this up, they may need some time to think and consider what they'd like to try in the bedroom as well.
You can offer something like, "I'm curious about expanding our sexual activities into a more experimental area. If that's something you're interested in, would you like to talk about it on Saturday on our date night?"
You're giving your partner time and space to consider the conversation and putting a finite amount of time into it. He'll have time to think about what he'd like to say and get excited about your date night. It also assures that you'll be in the right frame of mind by discussing it on a date.
Keep it positive
Sex is a sensitive and hot-button issue for most people, especially men. If you come across as too demanding or that it's coming out of the blue, he may think you're unsatisfied with his love-making abilities. Focus on using "I" statements.
For example, "I've been thinking how amazing our sex life is, and I want to keep that momentum going. I think the idea of restraining my wrists during sex would be hot. Is that something you might be interested in?" You're setting the tone here in several powerful ways.
- You're implying your sex life is excellent; you only want to add to it.
- It implies you've been having steamy thoughts about your partner.
- You're checking it's something that he'd be interested in.
- You're showing you care about his opinion.
Statements like these will reassure your partner your sex life is already satisfactory and make him more willing to try new things.
Being considerate and thoughtful in initiating the conversation will build trust and a sense of mutual respect. Having these kinds of conversations that are open, honest, and thoughtful will only make your relationship stronger. Just remember your partner's level of awareness about your thoughts and fantasies.
How to start the conversation
Building on what we said earlier, you'll have a few other things to consider when talking to your partner about opening up your sex life into an experimental period:
- Be mindful about the time and place you pick: If you blindside him, he may shut down, or it could go poorly in other ways. Set up the question early in the week and tell him when you'd like to discuss it. That way, he has time and space to consider his feelings and response.
- Be honest and open about your feelings: If you'd be more satisfied with your sex life if you got to be more creative in the bedroom, then say it. Albeit, frame it in a kind and compassionate way. But be open about it. Likewise, be honest about anything you have in mind. If it's little things like a blindfold or an erotic massage, it likely won't take too much convincing. If it's something bigger, like having a threesome, do some additional research there.
- Listen well: Your partner may give you an enthusiastic response, or they could be apprehensive. Listen to the words he says but also the ones he doesn't. His body language will be crucial to understanding whatever he wants to convey. Trust what he says and be inquisitive.
Now you know the best practices for having this conversation, here are a few ways you can let the conversation come up organically:
- Use a steamy movie: Netflix and other similar platforms for streaming content will have lots of steamy films and TV shows to choose from. Pick one the next time you're watching TV together that loosely aligns with the experimentation you have in mind. Use this as a launching platform to gauge his response and let the conversation happen naturally.
- Go to an adult store: With dozens in every major city, there is little left to the imagination when you walk into an adult store. Use what you see as ways of gauging his interest in specific activities, and again, let the conversation come up by itself.
- Leave out a steamy article: You could text it to him or leave out an issue of Cosmo on the table. Whatever it is, it shows him that you're interested in trying new things and may spark his imagination.
Being honest and direct is always ideal, of course. However, that may only come naturally to some. So use whatever feels natural and safe to you, and go for it!
Conclusion
The world is an amazing and erotic place full of exotic samplings, the likes of which you've likely never dreamed of. The only way to sample all of those flavours? Get out there and start trying! If you're ready to take your romantic relationship into sexual experimentation, be open and honest about your feelings. Always be mindful of the time and place you choose, offer your partner time to consider their desires, and be honest about yours. Doing this will help enhance your intimate bond together, and you'll create a relationship that's stronger than before.
Get out there, Get in there, and Get off there!
Elaine S. Turner
Clinical Sexologist | Sex, Dating, & Relationship Coach | Pleasure Product Guru
Follow me on Instagram! @SexWithElaine
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